New start

Mom I got hurt, call 911, I got hurt with the thing I was jumping with, ok maybe not 911 I will get better. Oh and mom I lost the remote, spilled my drink, don't sell my dog cause he pee'd on the floor............... that was the last 20 mins of my life haha. I honestly don't feel like a patient person but seems I am more then I think. I have taken time to heal from the pain the last 10 years have given me, forgiven myself for making bad choices and removed the "walk on me" doormat. Things aren't easier, less stressful or perfect. But I do have better idea of what I want, ok with being alone and learning how to trust again....slowly.

Fighting for a space under the bar

My brains is full of rambling thoughts. I find myself questioning where I fit in when it comes to photography. What do you do when what you are good at isn't popular or greatly desired? I am a fine art, documentary photographer. I can take portraites, fashion type photos but I shine at documentary and fine art. My friends are all models and moms. Funny thing is those who do have kids (which I seem to specialize in) don't ask for me to shoot their kids or take me up on the offer either. They are so buizy trying to get half naked or published in a online mag. They use photographers who are not any good with family work to shoot their kids or pragnacy cause the photographer got published in a small online mag. These are memories, frozen moments in time. Its like being hispanic walking into taco bell and having someone asian make you a taco when grandma is at home with a plate of fresh from scratch tacos waiting for you. The internet is soo decieving on who is really sucessful and who is faking it. I think this is my year to find myself as and artist, not trying to figure out what people will like but what I like. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes but they won't fall. I feel so uninspired, frustrated and overwhelmed. I need to stop fighting for a space under the bar and shoot to soar past it.

Keep it Real #1 When your head spins and there is nothing to hold on to

Turn up the radio, drown out the noise in your head and sing your heart out. Dance around the house in your tshirt and underware. Smile, let the tears fall its how we grow. Your troubles will be there when you wake so enjoy the moment. Even if you don't paint, grab a canvas or even the shower wall and pour paints on a plate and just close your eyes. Dip your fingers, and just feel the paint slide.

I can honestly say I never thought I would be 31, single mom of 4 doing it on my own. It feels like my ad/hd is getting worse and I can't catch a break. Dating now days is just hey your hot lets fuck or send me naked pics. Then you find out they are off and on with their ex or dating a few chicks or they just don't want to settle. I try to keep myself at arms length. I am not a one night stand kind of girl, never have been. I am still trying to hold my head up and believe I deserve more. Being taken for granted leaves a girl scared. I find myself ranting, crying and laughing cause I am so much more happy knowing the few in my life really love me but missing being close to someone, the touch, kiss, being able to talk to someone about my day. I belive in love just don't think it applies to me. And it should.

How do you guard your heart without being cold? How do you balance need from want? How do you make the spinning stop? haha Everyone is crazy, we are all bipolar, we all come with baggage, drama and warped definitions of love. Where is the balance? 

Never thought at 31 I would still be finding myself. I always knew I would be growing, learning and stuggling. Who knows I may never find what I think me should be. All I can do is keep moving forward living my life like tomorrow won't be there (doesn't mean I ignore bills lol). Surround myself with friends who are focased on the same things I am in life. Maybe someday I will have less questions and more answers, or maybe there will still be just as many questions just will sound alittle different.

A jar of princess tears.

I love to be inspired by everyday things. My youngest daughter was playing dress up and there it was. She had that judy moody/ ramona and beezus moment. Kylee doesn't like her picture taken but she is so cute I can't help it.

Feb. 1-17 2010

Feb. 4th Sam passed out from his bday show and Caden fell asleep watching tv.

Feb. 5 We found puppies at the park and the girls loved them to death. Its sad to know we have to give them up cause there is no room.

Feb. 6 Today was a music day for me. I just couldn't get enough.

Feb. 10-13  I though I just had asthma and ended up I had pneumonia.

Feb.14 Still in hospital but got visits so that was great.

Feb. 17 Got home from hospital and worked on cabs for Aroarah.

Being ok with being single.

I will admit that I hate to be alone. Its a fear for me I struggle with. Unfortunately my fear led me into arms that didn't deserve me. I sat for days crying wondering how I could be sooo stupid. As I looked across the room I realized...... there were four little faces looking right back at me. I am not alone. My youngest came over and said "luv u mommy no cry". Which made me cry more. But then my oldest who was twelve walked over hugged me and said, "Its ok mom. Its their loss not yours. If they can't see you for the beautiful perfect mom you are (have I mentioned how much I love my kids haha) then I am glad you left. You deserve to be happy and not be stressed over keeping everyone happy". She said a few other things that melted my heart. In that moment I realized she turned my words against me. They were listening to me when I gave advice to my friends. I don't want my kids to think they have to be in a relationship to feel complete. I wanted so much to be loved I let others run over me. Both my kids dads have moved on and have girlfriends. Both have either moved in with someone or talk of marriage. Both are helping raise their gf's kids and mine get left behind. My ex husband (who I have 3 girls with) wants me to stay single and is happy I am alone (control freak). My ex boyfriend of 5+ years wants me to date until he thinks I am (then I get the hey you are sexy calls or jealous texts). Honestly as much as I miss the idea of my sons father, I am ok being alone. I know I said it I AM OK BEING ALONE.

I think it was all the extra cleaning, working out, huge list of encouraging/fuk cheater/I'm happy music list, decorating my place the way I wanted, getting out of house with girlfriends and diving into my kids that did it. I filled my days with healthy things that need to be done I don't have time to think about it. I have been asked out on a few dates and declined cause I just can't fit it in. Not to mention all the kids. I have 3 50/50 (but deal with all the calls to fix the issues at dads even tho my hands are tied) and a 4 year old full time (his dad visits once a week but not consistent). Men seem to want to go straight to sex or as to hang out. I can't have men in my home and not gonna be having sex with strangers so ehh dating just doesn't seem interesting. I mean really did you just write me online and ask me on a first date. The catch being you want to pick me up from my house, drive to the lake and take a walk. What are you a serial killer? Are you crazy? The whole thing is just to much haha.

So being alone means no funny male odors, fart sessions, extra laundry, less food bought, no computer time appointments, no more Rocky movies or money missing from things  bought but were not important. No fighting, yelling, trying to match horny time, snoring or wondering why they didn't come home. Sounds like just what I was looking for right now in my life.........peace.

I have found my time flies by faster now that my focus is on growing and I love that. There are little things I miss like sex, hugs and kisses. Even help carrying things but then I remember the big list of things I could do without right now.

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Show Your Skills 11.6.10

Ok so saw a post by http://everydayelementsonline.com called Show your skills. So here is some of her intro:

Do you love to edit? Or, are you just learning how to edit? Show Your Skills link-up party is a way to practice or show off what you already know.

This week I am sharing a picture of one of my other nieces, Sarah, and her cello.

Original:

Now my edits:

  done with CS4 , lifecamera workflow eye enhance, pixel lounge studio soft pink action.

done with CS4, lifecamera workflow eye enhance, little brown action by hiimlusifer minipulated by me,

 pixel lounge studio texture Champagne (warm)

Free Photoshop Action Set from Quadvision

11/04/2010 delight-free-photoshop-action-set

Love u the way you are.

I have to say being a single mom is hard and can feel lonely. Being single in general is lonely. I love being in love. But find I have given it away to those who don't deserve it. So I decided that I need to focus more on those who actually deserve it. Mainly my children. I haven't given up on a soul mate, I am sure that person is out there. Right now tho I need to focus on my kids, family and close friends. I am trading in my dreams for romantic trips to the beach for a beach adventure with my four kids. Cozy candle lit dinners for pizza and movies at home with the kids. Getting dolled up for beauty makeovers and karaoke at home on a Friday nite. And best of all trading I love you for unconditional love that will never fade. Its taken a little time but hearing my kids say things like I am a perfect mom, beautiful, cool, not fat just curvy, funny, so weird and love you the way you are................makes me realize being a single mom isn't really all that bad. Its just what I make of the moments in my life with the ones I love that matter and will be way more satisfying then searching for someone to fill a void.