Being ok with being single.

I will admit that I hate to be alone. Its a fear for me I struggle with. Unfortunately my fear led me into arms that didn't deserve me. I sat for days crying wondering how I could be sooo stupid. As I looked across the room I realized...... there were four little faces looking right back at me. I am not alone. My youngest came over and said "luv u mommy no cry". Which made me cry more. But then my oldest who was twelve walked over hugged me and said, "Its ok mom. Its their loss not yours. If they can't see you for the beautiful perfect mom you are (have I mentioned how much I love my kids haha) then I am glad you left. You deserve to be happy and not be stressed over keeping everyone happy". She said a few other things that melted my heart. In that moment I realized she turned my words against me. They were listening to me when I gave advice to my friends. I don't want my kids to think they have to be in a relationship to feel complete. I wanted so much to be loved I let others run over me. Both my kids dads have moved on and have girlfriends. Both have either moved in with someone or talk of marriage. Both are helping raise their gf's kids and mine get left behind. My ex husband (who I have 3 girls with) wants me to stay single and is happy I am alone (control freak). My ex boyfriend of 5+ years wants me to date until he thinks I am (then I get the hey you are sexy calls or jealous texts). Honestly as much as I miss the idea of my sons father, I am ok being alone. I know I said it I AM OK BEING ALONE.

I think it was all the extra cleaning, working out, huge list of encouraging/fuk cheater/I'm happy music list, decorating my place the way I wanted, getting out of house with girlfriends and diving into my kids that did it. I filled my days with healthy things that need to be done I don't have time to think about it. I have been asked out on a few dates and declined cause I just can't fit it in. Not to mention all the kids. I have 3 50/50 (but deal with all the calls to fix the issues at dads even tho my hands are tied) and a 4 year old full time (his dad visits once a week but not consistent). Men seem to want to go straight to sex or as to hang out. I can't have men in my home and not gonna be having sex with strangers so ehh dating just doesn't seem interesting. I mean really did you just write me online and ask me on a first date. The catch being you want to pick me up from my house, drive to the lake and take a walk. What are you a serial killer? Are you crazy? The whole thing is just to much haha.

So being alone means no funny male odors, fart sessions, extra laundry, less food bought, no computer time appointments, no more Rocky movies or money missing from things  bought but were not important. No fighting, yelling, trying to match horny time, snoring or wondering why they didn't come home. Sounds like just what I was looking for right now in my life.........peace.

I have found my time flies by faster now that my focus is on growing and I love that. There are little things I miss like sex, hugs and kisses. Even help carrying things but then I remember the big list of things I could do without right now.